"What we get out of our bodies is a direct result of what we put in. Food is fuel, and we
believe that food can help you achieve and sustain your peak performance." -- Tom Brady, on the packaging for the official TB12 Performance Meals
I first noticed those words from the New England Patriots quarterback scrawled on the delivery box in a violent red that looked like B-movie blood as I dunked the last bite of Buffalo chicken pizza into a melted Chunky Monkey container. (Don't judge me. I was out of ranch dressing.) Tom Brady's Goop-for-bros personal brand, TB12, recently joined forces with meal subscription service Purple Carrot on a line of health-centric feasts, and I was intent on unpacking its purportedly nutritious secrets.
I am no fan of high-performance diets, or, as a die-hard New Yorker, of Brady himself. But I do respect the guy, especially his ability to achieve unprecedented heights of success while effortlessly lying to everyone in America. So I figured, What the hell, maybe I can actually learn something from this Bill Belichick-approved goon. Instead of treating my body like a Pats fan scarfing down buckets of deep-fried Oreos at Gillette, I would start treating my body like this living legend who doesn't even care if he chops his thumb off in the name of healthy eating.
Of course, this meant ordering Brady's Purple Carrot meal plan, based around his insanely weird diet. He doesn't eat fruit. Or dairy. Or even freakin' eggplants. But I read somewhere that "what we get out of our bodies is a direct result of what we put in," so I ponied up for a week's worth of meals and submitted fully to the constraints of his diet.
Would I reach Peak Performance? Would my already disproportionately attractive significant other turn into a disproportionately attractive Brazilian significant other? Would I get a six-pack? https://www.thrillist.com/eat/nation/tom-brady-diet-tb12-purple-carrot-meal-plan-review/food-and-drink
