Welcome back to Off the Menu, where we bring you the best and strangest food stories
from my email inbox. This week, we bring you stories of tiny terrors: kids in restaurants. As always, these are real emails from real readers, though names have been changed.
Worst Jedi ever
"A while back my husband and I were at a local townie joint that overlooks a lake. The bar food is mediocre but consistent, and the beer is local and cold. The patio was almost empty, save for another family, and we sat ourselves at the complete opposite end from the other diners.
"We had just ordered our drinks when a party of 10 adults and a bunch of little boys around 5 or 6 came outside. They were clearly from a soccer team, and the front of their jerseys read 'The Avengers.' Out of the entire middle of the patio, the group of adults assembled all tables right next us to in row and were sitting with their backs pressed against ours. After wedging ourselves out of our seats, we moved to a different, not-cramped table.
"Their waitress came outside and gave them menus and a beer list, then told them about the specials. At the top of the beer list it said, in bold, 'Pitchers Available!' On a handwritten chalkboard, in bold, it said, 'Pitchers Available!' On the little plastic signs in the middle of tables (which they had five of them) it said, in offending, bold Comic Sans, 'Pitchers Available!' Regardless, the large group ordered pints.
"While they were ordering, one of the kids pulled out a Captain America costume from his mother's oversized purse and stripped in the middle of the patio. This must have been a common occurrence because it didn't even garner a glance from his mother. He then pulled out a set of Star Wars action figures (must have been Episode I-III) and proudly announced, 'I want to be Jar Jar!' as he passed them to his buddies. Any decent parent knows you should squash any desire to idolize Jar Jar immediately, without question.
"Finally their beers came, at which point one of them noticed it would have been cheaper to order a pitcher. The Gungan mother complained so loudly, so persistently, and so incoherently that I suddenly realized why the poor kid liked Jar Jar. The waitress agreed to take off the pints and charge them only for a pitcher.
"We paid for our beers (and left a generous tip) while watching the Avengers-turned-Jedi poke the waitress in the legs with their little plastic lightsabers as she attempted to take orders, while making 'wom-wom' lightsaber sounds. Except for the one kid who was apparently Thor, who was instead screaming at the waitress, 'I'm going to hammer you.' https://www.thrillist.com/eat/nation/crazy-kids-stores-restaurants-off-the-menu/food-and-drink
